Archive for March, 2010

drug of choice
March 8, 2010

i need to stop this.  i am still so young, yet i already feel like my body can’t handle this. i wish i stopped going to cigarettes in stressful times. i royally screwed up, and now i associate the two. then i’m left with a nearly full pack and a fully guilty conscience. yet instead of throwing away the pack i don’t want to…i don’t know…get my money’s worth? sound’s so silly actually getting it on paper. eventually i do throw it out. but i always smoke a couple more before i’m thoroughly sick with myself. now i just sucked one down and my entire body feels off balance. why can’t i ever learn? my amount of willpower, self-discipline, is laughable. and i always pay the price. and of course it’s not just with cigarettes….coffee intake, weight, lack of exercise, lack of sleep…you name it, i put myself through it. i would never allow myself to go near any sort of drug. knowing me i’ll get addicted. so why do i keep adding on all these terrible habits? i need to start being honest…

1. with others. i have to tell pete that i’m struggling with this. i’m so afraid of the judgement that i don’t take the necessary steps to improve. and i have no idea why i’m so afraid to tell him. if there’s one person in this world that wont judge me, it’s him.

2. with myself. could i please stop sugar-coating things? it gets me nowhere but on a backwards track to where i was at the start of the mess.

dear me,

stop lying to yourself! you know what you’re doing when you’re buying that pack, when you choose to sleep at 3am, when you ignore that looming homework assignment that’s gonna take 6 hours to do. if you can just quit letting your emotions get to you, and you start to think about what would actually be good for you, we can finally make some progress.

please, please, please stay strong.