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May 15, 2010 - Leave a Response

today was a nice, relaxing day hanging out with pete :] i’ve already drifted into summer laziness, even though i can’t afford it. it’s all work work work this week, and then i start summer school. i really hope everything works out by the end of school :[ i know i failed that god-awful speech class, but i’m really hoping my other classes were 2 a’s and a b….that would make my week. and it seems like my manager finally got the hint point-blank message that i want less hours this summer. i’m refusing to kill myself slowly by overworking myself. yeah, work is what will help me pay off this credit card bill, but there will always be other expenses, as long as i keep thinking this type of materialism is a means to some end.

note to self: money cannot, and never will be able to, buy happiness!!

this happiness is found in God’s glorious sunsets, Jesus’ warm eyes, Pete’s loving kiss, Evie’s comforting hug, Jenny’s sarcastic smirk, Emanuel’s ridiculous impressions…and so on. i hope i don’t forget that.

leaving

May 4, 2010 - Leave a Response

so i’ve been reading “through painted deserts”, a book by one of my favorite authors, donald miller, and i’m already in love with it. it’s the beginning of a road trip he starts in houston, goes through oklahoma to the grand canyon, and ends up in portland. not only is the writing absolutely beautiful, the topic really intrigues me. just the idea of driving off into the unknown…no map…no timeline….just the open road, white dashes shooting by on your left side. although i love chicago, i think it’s important to experience “leaving”…i hope me and pete get to experience that at one point. what would be better than cudding up next to a best friend that you are fully in love with, and just driving off into something new and mysterious that you both get together? i crave that sort of freedom. maybe that will be europe for us. we’ve talked about it. and i know it’s something he would willingly take on. i’m more likely to give some resistance…but i know that once  step off that cliff…stuck in a freefall…it would be the most exhilarating experience of my life.

on another note, i’m currently inside the truman lobby, waiting for pete to get out of class. my meter’s been expired for 12 minutes now…so i keep looking nervously out the window. but i’m glad i got to get this post in.

also, i wish i had my book with me :[

random update

April 27, 2010 - Leave a Response

side note: it seems like i’ve gotten better about taking care of my body…

i’m not turning to cigarettes anymore

i’m definitely trying to eat healthier than i have been

i exercise at least once a week [which is actually an improvement]

i hope i can keep this up :]

decisions, decisions…

April 27, 2010 - Leave a Response

i keep thinking about quitting my job. the salon life is just not for me. i want to leave it behind so bad…and i was so close to making the final decision. in fact, i had told a bunch of my close friends that i was quitting. it just left me so overworked, so overstressed, and so insecure to the point that it’s simply unhealthy. my boyfriend says i should stick it out a little longer…about 4 months more so that it can at least say i’ve been there a year on my resume. he’s probably right, i mean at least i can pay off my credit card bill…but then i definitely need them to cut down my hours. my manager and i had agreed on about 25…so then why am i working 32? i have to stick up for myself…i have to tell her i simply can’t handle it. sometimes i get so pushed around at that job, if anything this will teach me to get a backbone. if i’m sticking around for another season, i’m gonna make sure it’s worth it…

and i’ll be sure to stock up on products while i’m there….

drug of choice

March 8, 2010 - Leave a Response

i need to stop this.  i am still so young, yet i already feel like my body can’t handle this. i wish i stopped going to cigarettes in stressful times. i royally screwed up, and now i associate the two. then i’m left with a nearly full pack and a fully guilty conscience. yet instead of throwing away the pack i don’t want to…i don’t know…get my money’s worth? sound’s so silly actually getting it on paper. eventually i do throw it out. but i always smoke a couple more before i’m thoroughly sick with myself. now i just sucked one down and my entire body feels off balance. why can’t i ever learn? my amount of willpower, self-discipline, is laughable. and i always pay the price. and of course it’s not just with cigarettes….coffee intake, weight, lack of exercise, lack of sleep…you name it, i put myself through it. i would never allow myself to go near any sort of drug. knowing me i’ll get addicted. so why do i keep adding on all these terrible habits? i need to start being honest…

1. with others. i have to tell pete that i’m struggling with this. i’m so afraid of the judgement that i don’t take the necessary steps to improve. and i have no idea why i’m so afraid to tell him. if there’s one person in this world that wont judge me, it’s him.

2. with myself. could i please stop sugar-coating things? it gets me nowhere but on a backwards track to where i was at the start of the mess.

dear me,

stop lying to yourself! you know what you’re doing when you’re buying that pack, when you choose to sleep at 3am, when you ignore that looming homework assignment that’s gonna take 6 hours to do. if you can just quit letting your emotions get to you, and you start to think about what would actually be good for you, we can finally make some progress.

please, please, please stay strong.